Was that enough razorblades for yah?

22 04 2008

It was Wednesday night. 9 pm. The last hour of the work night. It was me and another person acting out as check out chicks with a more experienced supervisor being in charge of us both. At the time she was out and about organizing magazines, cleaning shelves, all that kind of supervisor waste the time stuff. We were serving customers at the front with their items. The night was uneventful and time was spent chatting to the other individual or the friendly new security guard that happened to be staying in front of our registers (unlike previous idiots).

Then she entered the store. Well I didn’t know she was going to be trouble but what do I know? Wearing a bright blue top, this feral (Sukus stealis) came in with her environmentally friendly green bag. She got a little basket and went of to collect items for her to ‘purchase’. It got to about 9.30 and there happened to be a bit of a crowd at the check outs. All of a sudden the feral came out of nowhere (conveniently when it got busy). She had her ‘bulky’ environmentally friendly green bag with her and also a small basket with a number of average munchable items like chewing gum and chips and a drink or two from the freezer. She then made her move.

She leaves her basket on the end of the conveyor belt and while still carrying her green bag with a coat on top of it she exclaims:

‘Ah is there any place where I can find an ATM to take money out’

‘Uh you can do that when you pay…’ I said before she started walking briskly past the register. The alarm bell thingies went bonkers and both me and the security guard made a casual move.

‘Can I please check your bag mam’ I said and the security guard said something of his version.

They should renaim these to the ‘magic bags’. You can fit so bloody much. 

She panicked for half a second before peering outside through the window (looking for an ATM machine to play along with her bullshit story). She then went back to the end of the conveyor belt where her ‘munchable’ items were and placed the green bag on the ground. The feral got her mobile that apparently began to ring and commenced talking to herself to the ‘imaginary husband’ about coming to the store so that she can get money to pay for her items. I called the supervisor at that point and she began to walk a bit faster out of the store. By the time the supervisor came she was outside and went of with a dash to her car.

 So we decided to have a look at her green environmental shopping bag that she left behind. I have not seen my supervisors mouth open so widely before in my life. I kid you not, there was razorblades after razor blade after razor blade after razor blade after skin care product after skin care product after skin care product (Mach 3, Olay, think fucking expensive $$$ shit), after skin care product, after razor blade. 




What you see above times 10 thousand…






We interrupt this story for our daily:


How much was that environmentally green bag worth including the contents of the said bag?

a). $50 (enough for her to cop a fine)

b). $200

c). $500

d). $750

e). $1000 or more

To submit your answer and win 10 MILLION PAPER clips, just text to 1800-SCAMS-R-US and you can be in the winning (or the loosing but we don’t tell you that). Call charges at $9.95 per 40 words, higher for mobile and international calls.

(Only applies when sending via mobile and the operators are in Bangladesh. Terms and conditions apply)


OK we are back. Turns out that the total sum was at least one thousand dollars. Yup that’s right, some feral tried to rob the store 1 grands worth of goods in one environmentally friendly plastic bag. If you felt a bit uncomfortable about using the term “DISGUSTING” before, now is a good time to put it into use.




Seriously I was shocked. I have heard of stealing bread to feed your family and one legged goat but that is just disgusting! The manager got a good look at her via the cameras and now we need to keep an eye out for her in the future. I read in some blog somewhere that they are encouraging the NAME and SHAME option in their stores. Basically get a picture of the ferals and place them up around the store asking anyone for information about them to contact the police. Oh and anyone who says something like ‘privacy blahblahblah; can go to hell. Feral scum like this do not deserve privacy as they should follow the law like everyone else.

Gee my skin is feeling a bit scaly…. Id sure love a bit of Olay skin moisturizer… But due to my finances I would rather not spend 35 bucks on it. I know I will just take it for free… Boy am I a genius?

What’s the worst part of all of this? There are more serious cases that have occurred in different stores to different people involving more items worth more money and some of those thieves have actually succeeded with their theft. I am counting down the days of automation where you just walk in a store, pick all the items you want in a touchscreen, pay for the said items and all the items get thrown at you via a shoot/hole/compartment thingy. Until then, I guess we got to just keep punishing people and sending them to jail because they do not know the difference between right and wrong.

Run run as fast as you can, you can’t catch me….. I’m the feral man


Ah well, you get 3 square meals a day in prison and the social life would increase exponentially for some of the scum that go there…

 Rock on legal system and your many loop-holes!


Le cat lady stinks like cat piss

10 04 2008

Last Tuesday I was working during the day 10-3. Like any university student that needs cash (an excuse being hecs which your actually not paying until 5 years later, but whatever I can work with that excuse), I headed of to work because I absolutely hate sleeping in and the bed is too uncomfortable to lie in [/end sarcasm]. But well, that was not the case and after breakfast, shower (write this down for later), shave, I drove of thinking it will be a regular quiet shift. Unlike the last story I mentioned about working at ‘Testygets’ as there was the regular 9-5 staff working there, I was dismantled of all of my supervisor privileges so I had to be at the front end. That’s right I am a bloody checkout chick! But it’s OK, I am not the only guy with that derogatory term, and I suppose I deserve it, seeing as my side of the gender oppressed the other for thousands of years and still does in many other places (“places” is such a safe word ;)) but let’s leave it at that.

Anyway, I was serving customers, standard protocol, the time was going by, I was getting paid good money for doing peanuts. No seriously, the job is so easy anyone can do it! It is no wonder we will be replaced by machines/computers in 4(?)/10(?) years? Apparently in some countries that has already happened… better get another degree….

OK OK, so I was serving and serving and serving, customer after customer after customer. It was the usual busy/not busy/busy/not busy/dead/super busy/ cycle that repeats throughout the day. The customers were far reaching and varied. There were the regulars, the oldies, the young-lings (*cough fucking wagers cough*), and a whole multitude in between.

Now from the way that I am brought up, I am told to be respectful of anyone older than you, of anyone that you are serving, of saying please and thank you that kind of polite crap. Lot’s of my colleagues need to actually be told to ‘remember to say hello to customers (how disgusting?)’ while to me a lot of this stuff is second nature. There are occasions though when even I get pushed too far.

There is, in our store, as i am sure there is in many other stores, the infamous “cat lady“. Now you are thinking of that “Crazy Cat Lady” in the Simpson’s right? Buddy, you could not have thought of a better answer. But the ‘cat lady’ in the Simpson’s is funny. She does crazy things and throws cats at everyone. Made up people that are not your friends and it’s at a safe distance (your couch) and there is nothing to worry about. But what about all those poor souls (yours truly included) that have to be within the real ‘cat ladies’ presence.

*Think of the tune by Gnarls Barklay*: Some say I’m crazy…

Furthermore, don’t just think of me and the people I work with, think of all the customers that have to be near her, pass through her, be in the same store with her…. ‘aaw come now, what’s wrong with an old lady’, so what if she likes cats? What could be possibly wrong with her?

One sentence…. SHE FUCKING REEKS OF CAT PISS & POO. I kid you not, the moment she enters through our doors, her nitrogenous ‘cat’ aroma enters along travelling at the speed of… uh “smell”! But seriously, she walks right in, goes into one section of the store and the entire area is sealed of due to it being a chemical and biological hazard. Everyone that is in the one isle suffocates from her invisible toxin released and she happily has the entire isle to herself. Unfortunate to current belief she doesn’t only go to the pet food isle. She actually buys human food… to feed her cats of course. (See figure 2 below for more details).



  So  anyway, being the lucky guy that I am (hey my middle name begins with the letter L, write down the correlation) she decides to purchase her items through my register! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHH *i scream*…. Now imagine this. We all have smelt people that stink… They call that BO (bad odour). Now think of someone that hasn’t showered for a week. That’s bacteria poop + BO (which is made up of bacteria poop but shhh). NOW imagine, someone never having showered, always wore the same clothes (rags), has a basket/trolley (old people have these in general) filled with cat poop in it (I kid you not—> We need to check bags/trolleys and what do you think I see mushed at the bottom?) and she is more than delighted for me to have a look at it. Vomiting a little bit in my mouth during the process. Furthermore she gets really really close while communicating in old confused crazy old lady talk. She eventually gives me money, I give her the change and tell her to have a good day, and she is of. The CPR person resuscitates me with the oxygen mask. So I then go back to work. But uh no, she doesn’t leave. She sits on a BENCH. RIGHT In front of my REGISTER. What is she doing? WHO KNOWS, BUT 2 METRES IS NOT ENOUGH TO KEEP THE SMELL AWAY.

Don’t let the smell stop the working young man!

So for the next painful 30 minutes, I was ready to fall in a coma. I persisted none-the-less. I was working and it was my duty to serve the people. But you know what was the worst part?The CUSTOMERS ASSUMED IT WAS ME. Oh of course they were all to kind to actually say it, god bless their souls lol. But the body language of almost gagging on thin air when they approached my register said all the words I needed to hear. I got awkward looks and glances for the remainder of that half hour that the crazy cat lady decided to stay in front of my register.

I went home and that day I Showered a second time (while Australia is in a drought). I then shoved that perfume recharge thingy you put on the power socket up my nose and kept it there till the next morning.

So moral of the story (there’s a moral to this?)…. Work during the night shift. Or consider being more involved with your company and make reforms for no benches in front of the check outs. Let them all sit outside.

But please, for the love of humanity, if not for your own personal health, then think of the children.. and the refugees, and the um… well think of sad things. Then consider having a shower. Thank you.