University student species; part 2.

27 04 2008

More men are killed by overwork than the importance of the world justifies. – Rudyard Kipling

Ah almost forgot about this series of blog posts! This is a continuation from part 1 (obviously since this is called part 2) and with out any more delay, I present you the next batch of 5 species of university students, present in my campus (and quite possibly in your campus as well 😉 ). For more background on this, seriously see part 1. I am not typing it all out again (well I can copy/paste it but shhhhhhhhhhhhh).

 Common name (what they are generally classed as determined by the masses) followed by Scientific name (OK just my attempt at typing up random Latin letters).

Gender: Male, female, a bit in between.. (hey heard about that dude that is pregnant?!!? No kidding…)
Appearance: A simple few signs, gives ability to point out this freakazoid in public and laugh at him
Noise level: From non existent to Jet engine (self explanatory don’t you think)?
Distraction level: Again self explanatory but just to be annoying; from non existent to causing you to fail your course and force you to repeat a year.
Seating arrangements: Front row, back row, next to the lecturer, at home in bed, on the side, always the same spot, is there variety?
Annoyance factor: A rating of 1-10, 1 meaning who cares he does not bother me and I did not even know he existed until you described him to me, to 10 meaning wanting to assassinate said individual before he utters another word/question/remark. It will be divided up as follow:
*General student cohort: What the UNI people think.
*Lecturers: What the lecturer thinks.
Prevalence: Majority, minority, making a reappearance, more in first year? Second year?
Airplane throwing at their head: Will you get caught if you throw a paper airplane at their head? Will they care? Will they throw it back? Eat it? Etc…
Other features: Misc. (I have no witty anecdotes or analogies for this)
Survival rate: Will they be extinct anytime soon? When will we see the last of their species? Will they continue on to honors? PhD? 
Similar species: AKA can mate successfully with
General description: Some finishing comment.


 Competitives (Cokus smalus)

Gender: Males. Tend to have a small penis though so it can get confusing.
Appearance: Walk fast. Tend to carry books in lectures and laboratory experiments.
Noise level: As quiet as a ninja. But when they get 94% on a test (when they were expecting 69 thousand %) all hell will break loose. Put on your earplugs to stop hearing the banshee whining.
Distraction level: Very high. A lot of times you want to get up and just smack them with the ten thousand page book they are carrying around.
Seating arrangements: Whatever seat provides the best view of the lecturers ass. (In a metaphorical sense ALL RIGHT?)
Annoyance factor:
*General student cohort:10 (See general description)
*Lecturers: 2-10 (Depending on experience of lecturer. A score of 2 means the lecturer is newbie enough to not see through all the ass kissing. 10 means the lecturer has seen it all before and despises the annoying pestering competitive)
Prevalence: Always a group of about 15/20 per 100.
Aeroplane throwing at their head: If you were to throw a paper aeroplane at their head,  they would see it as a threat to them achieving the perfect marks and would use all their might and harness their douche mana to fire a greasy at you.
Other features: Have been known to devour fetuses to obtain stem cell energy
Survival rate: Unfortunately throughout your degree.
Similar species: Premeds
General description: These guys suck. They compete at you at every turn and look at life in general as one big competition. They will do whatever they can to get a better mark than you, even if it means telling you the wrong information so your score percentages that are a lot higher in variance. Their favourite day would be if they were to get 100% on an insanely hard test that the lecturer wouldn’t even be able to get right, and the rest of the class fails. That of course never happens and these guys are forever depressed and cold due to that fact. You try to be friends with them and all they will talk about is the work and how better their scores are to yourself They will give you the percentage low down of your marks (they will get your university ID number and use that to look at all of your scores obsessively) and after giving you a power point presentation complete with excell charts and tables of your scores, they will conclude that you suck and their marks rule. They forget however that they talk a lot of shit and the scores the average individual gets are quite close to their ‘great’ scores. Someone should tell them that 8 hours of sleep a day is actually good for the brain (they only getting 4/5). 

You say hello to a competitive.

Results are deadly. For all parties involved (The skinny guy is representative of the lecturer).


 Premeds (Medus Minimalis)
-Gender: All three genders.
-Appearance: Dorky, and eager. Ready for anything that gets thrown at them. Well except a conversation. SNAP!
-Noise level: SHH!
-Distraction level: Low. They mind their own.
-Seating arrangements: Where do you think? AT THE FRONT!!!!!
-Annoyance factor:
*General student cohort:
10 (Stop asking questions please!)
*Lecturers: 3 (They get their assignments done 4 weeks in advance so…)
-Prevalence: Annoyingly high. More so in science related course. Biomedical science is a haven for these douches.
-Aeroplane throwing at their head: The best targets.
-Other features: Small penis for the males. The female variety are just strange but I won’t go there further 😀 .
-Survival rate: Always a presence felt to the very end of the degree.
-Similar species: Competitives and Gunners (but the Gunner is present in Med School so they do not mate often)
-General description: Yup this is quite self explanatory. But I will still give my spiel. This species is an earlier form of the Classic Gunner as they are documented by this guy and this guy. They are currently in the cocoon stage while not in Med School but once they do get in they will bloom into caterpillars (no wait Butterflies sorry). It is surprising how these fools didn’t get into Med School earlier (as you can do so in Australia via an undergraduate degree). They had perfect high school scores and they did great in the UMAT. But for some reason or another, they missed out, maybe by karma, maybe due to the fact that they talk a lot of shit and actually DIDN’T get those great scores they were bragging about in high school. They hence will take second best and that would turn out to be some course that has the term Medicine in it. So they fill up courses like mine, expecting a smooth transition from their undergrad to their dream. While in the process they tend to evolve and show early signs of the annoying factors of being Gunners. They will ask question in lecturers repeatedly, disrupting the flow of the lecture. They will ask for their marks to get rechecked repeatedly as they believe their 98% is not valid and should be raised to their expected 99.9%. They will argue about stuff that they misread in another book to a professor that did his or her PhD on it and claim that he is wrong. Basically these people stress a tad bit too much. I suppose if they want to exemplify Gunner status when they eventually get into Med School, then they are doing a good job. 

Puts on David Attenborough’s voice: “Here we see the premeds, in their natural habitat, after a day of question asking and annoying the entire university.” 


Complainers (Constantus Cryus)

-Gender: Both genders (if I was to say more females than males I think someone would complain, so I rather not 😉 ).
-Appearance: Demeanour of disappointment. Unsatisfactory appearance.
-Noise level: None (except for the occasional sigh and smirk and swearing under the breath)
-Distraction level: High. See general description.
-Seating arrangements: Usually at the back.
-Annoyance factor:
*General student cohort:
10 (Will you PLEASE shut the fuck up?)
*Lecturers: 10 (Again, will you PLEASE shut the fuck up!?)
-Prevalence: Their presence is always felt (and heard)
-Aeroplane throwing at their head: This would just get them to complain MORE so we tend not to.
-Other features: Sucks at living.
-Survival rate: They are everywhere!!!
-Similar species: Whoever has a whiny voice and likes to bitch and complain at all times. Yeah that’s right, you know who I am referring to… YOUR MOMMA!
-General description:  Oh my God will you please SHUT THE FUCK UP. Seriously, these idiots do not know how to shut up. They get to a lecture, hear the lecture for the entire session and the general consensus was that it was a good and decent lecture. What do you hear from their mouths?

“OMG  that was so hard, I didn’t learn a thing”
                                                      “He spoke too fast”
                                                                              “He had too many lecture notes” 
“The lecturer went overtime”
…. and on and on the list it goes. But the complaining doesn’t stop in the lecture theatre.

 “OMG there was so much traffic in the morning” 
                                               “These seats are uncomfortable” 
                                                                                “The coffee is too hot”
“The coffee tastes like shit”
                               “Everything here is so expensive” 
                                                           “This university sucks”
                                                                                “I hate this subject” 
“This subject is so boring”.

 As you can see they find to complain about everything plus more. The university they go to sucks, their job sucks, their course sucks, their lecturer sucks, basically life just sucks for them. Well I have one bit of advice for you that think so: NO ONE CARES!? OK? I mean sure, we can bitch about something from time to time as a joke but to have a complete negative view of life only leads to one thing…. A bitchy whiny person that complains and complains and complains. No one likes that. Be happy with life and appreciate things. It will turn your whole world around! But whatever, I suppose this is just another coping mechanism for people to survive through this hectic lifestyle of the 21st century. 

That caption should read: “I suck and once I get my head out of my ass, do convince me otherwise!”


 Psychologists (Constantus Analysis)

-Gender: Both
-Appearance: Note pad in one hand, pencil in other.
-Noise level:High, opinionated.
-Distraction level: Low.
-Seating arrangements: That depends…
-Annoyance factor:
*General student cohort:
3. That is all.
*Lecturers: 2. Don’t question it.
-Prevalence: They are present everywhere, not just in psychology type courses actually.
-Aeroplane throwing at their head: Now that’s not nice. They try and listen to your problems and what do you do? Shame on you!
-Other features: N/A
-Survival rate: They tend to stick around (you know, like flies on a wall get it? –> listen to your problems HA HA! get it? No?)
-Similar species: Not that I know of.
-General description: This specimen likes to observe and question things. They will analyze your life and give you tips on how to live it. While some times this is welcome, other times – not so much. They tend to have a psychological explanation for everything and any experiment that failed tends to be due to ‘psychological factors’ (aka human error…. aka we fucked up). Never too low on advice, they will be a great comfort to you if you actually want to listen to them. This specimen is great to have when you are looking at chain emails as they will be able to tell you what times the letter is for real or it’s a fake. We are our own psychologists at times then 😉 . 

 I don’t feel like I have anything to add for this image.


 Mature (Brainus Presentus)

-Gender: I see more female, but that might be coincidence?
-Appearance: Full of life experience.
-Noise level: Low when it needs to be.
-Distraction level: None.
-Seating arrangements:  Varies but mainly front.
-Annoyance factor:
*General student cohort:
1 (except for the gunners/premeds/competitives who just see them as competition…. their annoyance factor on them is 679 trillion like everyone else)
*Lecturers: 1
-Prevalence: They pop up from time to time.
-Aeroplane throwing at their head: Now now, we are not in high school!
-Other features: They tend to know what’s going on. Experience pays of.
-Survival rate: They don’t tend to fail so they go right through in UNI.
-Similar species: Don’t know?
-General description: Well you know who they are. Older than the general student population, these individuals decided all of a sudden that they want to go to UNI so they can enhance their education, get a better job or experience more experiences. They might have done a degree previously, held a job for a long period of time or came out of nowhere and decided to take a university degree. You have to admire them even attempting university and in the end I am sure it pays of for them. I just know that if I was their age I would not have had the guts to take university on. I would stick with whatever job my degree will get me and stick to it in a monotonous fashion. As you can see I have zero life experience compared to others. 😀 Hmm maybe I should go do some volunteering in Zanzibar.



Phew, that list is now done. Part 3/3 soon to follow which will include more of your university favorites. Which ones will that include? I will keep you posted. )


 So are there people like this in your uni?  I would love to hear of other variations that I have not mentioned yet!




2 responses

27 04 2008

Don’t go to Zanzibar, PKay…. it’s SO 5 minutes ago.


27 04 2008

Any tips of what volunteer position is hot right now Pomeroy? Somewhere in South East Asia maybe? East Timor? Any place is just as good I think. So long as you are helping out and gaining that much needed lifetime experience.

Haha cheers dude!

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